Laughter for the Ladies – (and other Females)

For years we have been getting e-mails from two female friends covering all types of comedy.

Here are the first of a selection for the ladies.

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Just be careful lads.

The first man married a girl from Essex.

He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning.

It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a girl from Sussex.

He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking.

The first day he didn’t see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from the North of England.

He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal.

He said the first day he didn’t see anything, the second day he didn’t see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

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A Womans Poem.

He didn’t like my casserole,

He didn’t like my cake,

He said my biscuits were too hard,

Not like his mother used to bake.

I didn’t make his coffee right,

He didn’t like my stew,

I didn’t mend his socks for him

The way his mother used to do.

I pondered for an answer,

I was looking for a clue,

Then I turned around and  smacked him one,

Like his mother used to do.

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Life in the Australian Army.

Text of a letter from a kid from Romagna to Mum and Dad. (For Those  of you not in the know, Romagna is a  small  town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland, Australia )

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope you are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than working on the ranch – tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I was a bit slow in settling down at first, because you don’t have to get out of bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, because all you’ve got to do before breakfast is make your bed and shine your boots and clean your uniform.

No bloody horses to get in, no calves to feed, no troughs to clean – nothing!!  You have to shower though, but its not so bad, because there’s lots of hot water and even a light to see what your doing!

At breakfast you get cereal, fruit and eggs but there’s no kangaroo steaks or goanna stew like Mum makes. You don’t get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are knackered because we’ve been on a ‘route- march’ – gee, its only just like walking to the windmill in the bullock paddock!!

This one will kill my brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shooting – don’t know why. The bulls-eye is as big as an apple and it don’t move and it’s not firing back at you like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows last year! All you’ve got to do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target – it’s easy!

You don’t even load your own cartridges, they come in little boxes, and you don’t have to steady yourself against the roll-bar of the truck when you reload!

Sometimes you’ve got to wrestle with the city boys and I’ve got to be real careful because they break easy – it’s not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.

Turns out I’m not a bad boxer either and it looks like I’m the best the platoon’s got, and I’ve only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers – he’s 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as you know I’m only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringing wet, but I fought him until the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can’t complain about the Army – tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Susan

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Black & White TV

After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one
day and said “Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept
on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to
sleep every night with a hot 18-year-old girl.

Now … I have a $500,000.00 home, a $35,000.00 car, a nice big bed and
a large screen TV, but I’m sleeping with a 68-year-old woman. It seems
to me that you’re not holding up your side of things.”

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot
18-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be
living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and
watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren’t older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy’s
problems.

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Curtain Rods

On the first day, she sadly packed her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.  On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candlelight; she put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.

When she’d finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow center of the curtain rods.  She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

On the fourth day, the husband came back with his new girlfriend, and at first all was bliss. Then, slowly, the house began to smell.  They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place.

Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.  Air fresheners were hung everywhere.  Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked!

People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.

Finally, they couldn’t take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later – even though they’d cut their price in half – they couldn’t find a buyer for such a stinky house.

Word got out, and eventually even the local Realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

Then the ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.

Knowing she could have no idea how bad the smell really was, he agreed on a price that was only 1/10th of what the house had been worth … but only if she would sign the papers that very day.

She agreed, and within two hours his lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home, and to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods!

Nice to have a happy ending.

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EVE.

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. “So, how is everything going?” inquired God.

“It is all so beautiful, God,’ she replied. ‘The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem.

”It’s these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They’re a real pain.”

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc. She felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more ‘symmetrically balanced’.

“That’s a fair point,” replied God, “But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.”
And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.

” Well, Eve, how is my favourite creation?’

“Just fantastic,” she replied, “But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.”

God thought for a moment and said, “You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let’s see….where did I put that useless T**?”

Now doesn’t THAT make more sense than all that rubbish about the rib?

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Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

“I’ll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want — and I don’t expect any hassle from you.  I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won’t be home for dinner. I’ll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies, and don’t you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules.  Any comments?”
His new bride said: “No, that’s fine with me.  Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o’clock every night, whether you’re here or not.”

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Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, “And you are no good in bed either,” and storms out of the house.

After some time he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up.   She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, “What took you so long to answer to the phone?”

She says, “I was in bed.” .   Husband, “In bed this early, doing what?”

“Getting a second opinion!”

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THE SILENT TREATMENT

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each
other the silent treatment.. Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, “Please wake me at 5:00 AM .”  He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight..

Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn’t wakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.   The paper said, “It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.”

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A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her

girlfriends when Steven, a tall, exceptionally handsome, extremely sexy,

middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not

take her eyes off him.

This seasoned yet playful heartthrob noticed her overly attentive stare

and walked directly toward her. (As any man would.) Before she could offer

her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her,

“I’ll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter

how kinky, for $20.00…

on one condition…” Flabbergasted but intrigued, the woman asked what the condition was.

The man replied, “You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three

words.”

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed

A $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man’s hand along with

her address. She looked deeply and passionately into his eyes, barely

concealing her anticipation and excitement, and slowly and meaningfully

said….

.

.

.

.

“Clean my house.”

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